@Lanecat2

My husband suffers in silence louder than any person I know

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@BillyWayneDavis

Growing up, when a thunderstorm started getting real bad, all the families on our street would shoot at it until it backed off.

@KylePlantEmoji

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

@_Bluntsage

Satan: Have you decided to sell your soul?

Me: Not exactly.

S:Then why summon me if you’re not selling?

M: I would like to sell footmats that reads ‘welcome to hell’.

S:pfft!, I already got that.

M:OK, but are they Lego footmats?

S:Woah! Do you collect cash or credit?

@ClichedOut

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

@ArfMeasures

ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol

DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to

ME: He’s murdered 7 people

@UnfilteredMama

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

@dumbbeezie

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

@rachelle_mandik

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

@Rollmaninoz

*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!

@kelkulus

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.