Growing up, when a thunderstorm started getting real bad, all the families on our street would shoot at it until it backed off.
My husband suffers in silence louder than any person I know
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[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Satan: Have you decided to sell your soul?
Me: Not exactly.
S:Then why summon me if you’re not selling?
M: I would like to sell footmats that reads ‘welcome to hell’.
S:pfft!, I already got that.
M:OK, but are they Lego footmats?
S:Woah! Do you collect cash or credit?
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.