My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
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The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Just ordered me some pizza!
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
A Short Story.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling