My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
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[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.