My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
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Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Air conditioning – not a fan
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.