My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
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Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
bought wrong eggs
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone