My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
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[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”