My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
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8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
blocked.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
🤣🤣🤣
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me