What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
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Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”