@Divergentmama

My husband told me he thinks he folded the towels right, so I told him I think he might get lucky tonight…

…and now he’s refolding them.

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@ninatreemonkey

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

@Dawn_M_

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

@alexlumaga

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*replaces battery*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*takes battery back out*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER

Smoke Detector:

Me:

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

@bazecraze

Mom is coming to town. I get three full days of mouthing apologies to waiters.

@dksc4life

T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said

@crylenol

I crunched the numbers and this is just incredible. what isn’t he telling us. #Sharknado3

@AbbieEvansXO

GHOST TEEN: [sneaks back in at 2am]
GHOST MUM: [waiting up 4 him] you’re busted!
GHOST DAD: Jesus Karen ground him don’t BUST him holy shit