marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
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Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
one of
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.