My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
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Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
There are no pants in heaven.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.