My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
You Might Also Like
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like: