@_salt_n_lime

My husband told me to hurry up so naturally I took an extra 30 minutes to get ready.

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@TheHyyyype

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

@Kiirkland

Imagine you playing dead and the shooter yells out “tickle all the dead bodies”

@Donna_McCoy

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

@withanewname

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

@robdelaney

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

@samfromks

Those tiny bottles at the liquor store aren’t free samples.

I know that now.

@JeremyKCMO

Wifi- Are you comfortable? Like really comfortable?
Me- Yeah, why?
Wifi- BYE

@BlindChow

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

@imskytrash

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach