@_salt_n_lime

My husband told me to hurry up so naturally I took an extra 30 minutes to get ready.

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@Marlebean

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

@BuckyIsotope

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

@sannewman

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.

@LuvPug

It must be pretty inconvenient when you meet someone from a dating site and you’re already married to them.

@Marcmywords2

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

@DebasaurusRex

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

@ICantEven001

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

@causticbob

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.