I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
My husband told me to hurry up so naturally I took an extra 30 minutes to get ready.
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SATAN: welcome to hell
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
It must be pretty inconvenient when you meet someone from a dating site and you’re already married to them.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Tried a new approach oan the auld tinder
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.