English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
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A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement