My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
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Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
We all have our pet causes.