Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
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can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)