My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
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Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet