@DreamerDixie

My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

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@GinAndJif

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

@Reverend_Scott

DAD: Your mother and I love you very much, and I’m not sure how to tell you this, but… you’re adopted.

DOG: OMG THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE

@ThugRaccoons

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

@buck4itt

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

@chick_in_kiev

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

@AndyAsAdjective

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

@iamspacegirl

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

@ScratchChrome

My 7 year old daughter just told me that she wants to be an electrician when she grows up so that she can come to work with me every day. I don’t mind admitting that I cried. I thought I’d finally get some time to myself when she grew up and left home.

@NikiWithIssues

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.