[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
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my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.