@Elizasoul80

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

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@meghaffer

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

@swimmingcatspa

Don’t panic. Keanu Reeves is going to put on a sick leather coat and save us all any minute now

@Ms_Ka_Renee

Dr: So when did the stress eating begin?

Me: Probably 1983 or 1984.

Dr: …

Me: …

Dr: You were born in 1982.

Me: Maybe it Was 1982.

@Robert_Beau

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

@Storminika

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

@morninggloria

Guys can we please civil war somewhere with shade? It’s really hot and some people want to bring their dogs

@_keels_

I’m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.

@ProBirdRights

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.