My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
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Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Guy who likes music
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.