@sarcasticmommy4

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

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@3sunzzz

Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

@BrooksErrDay584

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

@Parkerlawyer

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

@ItsAndyRyan

“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”

@DeadLioness

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”

@mackswift

THEY SAID A MASK AND GLOVES WERE ENOUGH TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE

THEY LIED.

EVERYBODY ELSE HAD CLOTHES ON

@jake_lach

I understand the face situation but you don’t have to be ugly on the inside too

@juliussharpe

A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.

@TheAlexNevil

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.