My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
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Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
This why you should mind your business
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble