My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
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Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Happy weekend !
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)