My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
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My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.