My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
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The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Come back with a warrant
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Batman v Dracula
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”