My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
You Might Also Like
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?