My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
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The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself