*sees Salvation Army bell ringer*
“Here you go, buddy. Merry Christmas!”
“Sir, we don’t accept children.”
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
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I was making breakfast, then “She’s a maniac” came on the radio… Everything is a blur.
Why am I so tired? Why am I in this steel factory?
Me: *trying to punch back* Why are there so many birds?
There should be an eBay for evil people so they can purchase evil people stuff without having their motives questioned.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn’t trust us
Little kid next to me on a plane just ate the preservative packet out of his jerky, looked at me and said, “Don’t tell my mom.”
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.