My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
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me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.