@AnniemuMary

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

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@TheMichaelRock

*sees Salvation Army bell ringer*

“Here you go, buddy. Merry Christmas!”

“Sir, we don’t accept children.”

*runs away*

@Nahdude83

I was making breakfast, then “She’s a maniac” came on the radio… Everything is a blur.
Why am I so tired? Why am I in this steel factory?

@FuniBob

[being murdered]

Me: *trying to punch back* Why are there so many birds?

@sameblacklist

There should be an eBay for evil people so they can purchase evil people stuff without having their motives questioned.

@samalmightysam

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

@ZachXJ

Little kid next to me on a plane just ate the preservative packet out of his jerky, looked at me and said, “Don’t tell my mom.”

@crunchenhancer

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

@UnfilteredMama

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.