My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

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*sees Salvation Army bell ringer*

“Here you go, buddy. Merry Christmas!”

“Sir, we don’t accept children.”

*runs away*


I was making breakfast, then “She’s a maniac” came on the radio… Everything is a blur.
Why am I so tired? Why am I in this steel factory?


[being murdered]

Me: *trying to punch back* Why are there so many birds?


There should be an eBay for evil people so they can purchase evil people stuff without having their motives questioned.


The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.


Little kid next to me on a plane just ate the preservative packet out of his jerky, looked at me and said, “Don’t tell my mom.”


My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women


My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.