@Parkerlawyer

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

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@tastefactory

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

@doktorj

“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.

@gilbertjasono

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now

@JD_Barney

According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.

@SladeWentworth

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

@mrjohndarby

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

@MartinMurtagh

Laying in bed with the wife last night, she asked “what would you like to do most to my body?””identify it” probably wasnt the right answer

@Tw1tter_K1tten

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

@mayamanion

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

@AnniemuMary

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.