My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
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Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.