*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
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“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Laying in bed with the wife last night, she asked “what would you like to do most to my body?””identify it” probably wasnt the right answer
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.