*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
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Is there such a thing as spontaneous feline combustion? Anyway, baking soda and vinegar are terrible for cats.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
He told me he wanted a dirty girl so I didn’t shower for two weeks. Now he won’t return my calls. Forget women, MEN and their mixed signals!
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
The Easter Bunny doesn’t always drink, but when he does it’s hopscotch.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.