My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
You Might Also Like
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
RT if you could go either way.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
the short answer to this question
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
My first son he is wonderful
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.