@LostFelicia

My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.

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@dogsrverycool

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

@RandomlyMJ

Is there such a thing as spontaneous feline combustion? Anyway, baking soda and vinegar are terrible for cats.

@groovyspecs

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.

Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?

Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!

Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…

Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.

@samalmightysam

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

@LeightonSaysHi

He told me he wanted a dirty girl so I didn’t shower for two weeks. Now he won’t return my calls. Forget women, MEN and their mixed signals!

@Philosopherbing

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

@ElPasofist

The Easter Bunny doesn’t always drink, but when he does it’s hopscotch.

@mydmac

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.