My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
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We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Holy crap this is wonderful
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
ACED my prostate exam!
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door