My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
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“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Breaking news:
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.