Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
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Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Those are good neighbors.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
And then there were 4
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*