@MUMSIEesq

My husband went camping w/ his buddies. He packed a hatchet, 2 liters of Jack & a 3yo’s Hello Kitty sleeping bag. He’s gonna die out there.

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@Ygrene

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

@philEfanaddict

The first thing they teach you in AA is to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.

@Tmoney68

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

@Darlainky

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

@joshandbeyond

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

@JKNenagh

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

@TheMichaelRock

Nice try, Team USA. Not bad for a country that only cares about soccer for two weeks every other year!

@steph_mcca

anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!

@YSylon

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

@Brampersandon_

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real