My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
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HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.