[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
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How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.