My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
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The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
The glory of fall.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]