My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
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Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car