Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.

[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]

Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.

*Notices it’s February*

OH SHIT

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

ㅤ

“work hard so your future self can live a good life”

pfft, what has he ever done for me?

LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.