My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
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Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.