@LizHackett

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

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@Fred_Delicious

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

@byrdie_num_num

Wife and I made a deal. She gets to keep hair on her legs, and I get to keep my opinions to myself. Baby steps.

@LoniBryantt

It’s OK if you’re older and hate millennials that’s fine but next time you can’t figure out how to print a word doc DONT ASK ME CAROL

@amore_orless

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

@GaryJanetti

Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.

@panmidwest

haunted cereals

-unlucky charms
-honey tomb
-golden graves
-cookie crypt
-honey bunches of moats
-cheerighouls
-cinnamon ghost crunch

@WarrenHolstein

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

@GaryJanetti

Rio declares state of emergency just before Olympics. That’s like inviting people to your house for dinner but you have no food. Or house.