@LizHackett

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

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@Kyle_Lippert

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

@BoomBoomBetty

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

@RxitWounds

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

@marthasa1

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

@michaelianblack

Every picture I’ve seen of Neil Patrick Harris the last ten years has been of him adjusting his shirt cuffs. He needs better shirts.

@murrman5

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

@hannacantrell

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?

@skittle624

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

@TheTobbie

Remember when you were at a friend’s house & their folks fought & you didn’t know where to look? It’s how I get when Glee does a rap song…

@Works4Shots

How to get mustard out of your white shirt..
1) go to a store
2) buy a new shirt