*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
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Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Wife and I made a deal. She gets to keep hair on her legs, and I get to keep my opinions to myself. Baby steps.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
It’s OK if you’re older and hate millennials that’s fine but next time you can’t figure out how to print a word doc DONT ASK ME CAROL
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.
-honey bunches of moats
-cinnamon ghost crunch
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Rio declares state of emergency just before Olympics. That’s like inviting people to your house for dinner but you have no food. Or house.