Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
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Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
*Sits straight up in bed*
*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Every picture I’ve seen of Neil Patrick Harris the last ten years has been of him adjusting his shirt cuffs. He needs better shirts.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Remember when you were at a friend’s house & their folks fought & you didn’t know where to look? It’s how I get when Glee does a rap song…
How to get mustard out of your white shirt..
1) go to a store
2) buy a new shirt