My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
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You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
🤣🤣🤣
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
black phone good
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.