[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
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My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Who did it better?
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!