My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
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My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
*puts my mental health in rice
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.