My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
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You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.