My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
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Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?