My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
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Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint