I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
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Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I have a black belt in leather
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.