The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
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Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
This has made my week.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo