My husband’s safe word is ‘CRAMP!’

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DAD: I want a steak.

HER: Eat this chicken instead. It’s healthy.

DAD: No it isn’t. It’s dead.


5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.




5: whoever talks first is the loser.


Just another day grabbing random children by the shoulders and screaming “I’M YOU FROM THE “FUTURE!” in their faces..


my 14 year old sister posted on snap “sucks to see someone else enjoying the man you built” LMAO


“It’s a bird, no it’s a plane” my dude, how bad are your eyes (rhetorical) that you can’t tell the difference between a bird (very small) and a plane (like 3 times bigger than any bird) not to mention (but I will) it’s actually a guy in tights (possibly cake)


If you line up all your ex lovers in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness


The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.