@turtledumplin

My husband’s safe word is ‘CRAMP!’

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@Sickayduh

DAD: I want a steak.

HER: Eat this chicken instead. It’s healthy.

DAD: No it isn’t. It’s dead.

@iinkedZombie

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

@brakco

Just another day grabbing random children by the shoulders and screaming “I’M YOU FROM THE “FUTURE!” in their faces..

@kailaniskye

my 14 year old sister posted on snap “sucks to see someone else enjoying the man you built” LMAO

@BoogTweets

“It’s a bird, no it’s a plane” my dude, how bad are your eyes (rhetorical) that you can’t tell the difference between a bird (very small) and a plane (like 3 times bigger than any bird) not to mention (but I will) it’s actually a guy in tights (possibly cake)

@BrainPornNinja

If you line up all your ex lovers in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness

@ddsmidt

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.