My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
You Might Also Like
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!