My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
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Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.