My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
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I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.